Tinder’s Not So Tender
It’s easier than ever to hook up today. Ways of dating have changed dramatically with the rise in popularity of dating apps.
From wikipedia.org
The most notable one, Tinder, is often used to find a sexual partner, but from what I’ve read, Tinder’s not so tender when it comes to satisfying both sexes.
In our age of Twitter with its 140 character tweets, music videos that scene after scene in rapid succession, and texting, where messaging is brief and to the point, it fits that dating is also fast and any encounter can be over in one evening. There’s little or no time for romance.
A Place For Romance
A little background first. Those of you who’ve read the odd post know I’m a sucker for romance. My debut novel, A Cry From The Deep, has it at its core.
I like the kind of romance that takes its time in a movie or a book and ends with an unspoken promise of so much more to come. I find that incredibly sexy, the anticipation, the build-up of lust and desire, wanting more than anything to go the whole way with the one you love. And when it does, climax is that much more exciting.
I’m also a feminist, which means I believe in equality in bed, in the home and in the workplace. As well, I was a clinical social worker with my own private practice. Over the course of twenty-five years, I saw many people who were experiencing problems in their relationships, including sexual ones.
Tinder Examined in Vanity Fair
From Wikimedia.org
So, with that in mind, I found Nancy Jo Sales’ article in Vanity Fair’s September 2015 issue, titled “Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse” fascinating. She had interviewed a number of men and women who’ve used Tinder to hook up.
It struck me that the word ‘hook’ is similar to hooker, but in this case the man isn’t paying the woman to have sex. It’s free. Maybe some women get a meal out of it and the odd one gets a text back later, which one woman interviewed for the article found both surprising and pleasing.
Though the women talking about their experiences had hoped for something more from hook ups, when it happened they weren’t sure what to do, especially since Tinder is seen as an app. where coupling is expected with no strings attached.
Some of the men interviewed bragged about their many one-night encounters and the odd one complained that they’d been ghosted as well, meaning they didn’t hear back from the girl they had sex with.
When Nancy Jo Sayles probed more, she discovered that these one nighters weren’t that satisfying for either sex. For women, besides not getting romanced, they didn’t even get satisfied. The men either didn’t bother trying to satisfy their partners or didn’t know how to get them to orgasm. Or maybe the women faked it, which probably left the men thinking they’d done their job. When things happen that quickly, there’s no time to get to know the other person at all. And without intimacy—getting to know your partner first—impotence among young men seems to be on the rise. It’s hard to perform if sex becomes a mechanical thing. For both parties.
Dating in the 50s
From imdb.com
I was struck by how much dating has changed when I saw the movie Brooklyn, which showed dating patterns in the early 1950s. They were simple back then. Girls waited until the guy asked them out and if they liked each other, they might kiss or not. Of course, back then, sex before marriage was frowned upon, so couples often got married before they were even ready, just because their desire for more was too hard to contain. Was it better? In many cases it was. Intimacy coupled with commitment developed into long lasting love, security and yes, great sex.
Relationship Challenges for Millenials Today
I can understand that relationships are not that simple today, especially for millenials. It`s more confusing in many ways. Over a quarter of millenials are still living at home, carrying huge student debt, unprepared to take on the financial responsibilities associated with marriage and family. As for women wanting more than just sex, guys get mixed signals. A lot of women today expose their bodies in sexually provocative ways and suggest by their behaviour that they’re in for a good roll in bed without any commitment. And yet, judging from the article, they want more than a one night stand.
Men have always sowed their oats; it just looks different today. I can still hear my mother saying, “If you can get the milk for free, why buy a cow?” Some of that thinking has changed, but some of it hasn’t. Today, there’s lots of free milk. And as one interviewee said, half-complaining because there was no longer the thrill of the chase, “Sex has become so easy.”
I imagine fear is also a factor. No one wants to be missing out.
I`m not suggesting millenials revert to the dating practices of their grandparents, but maybe while they`re exploring their own sexuality and relationships, they can stop and ask if what they`re getting is all that satisfying. Good sex is something we all want but without romance, it may be satisfying on one level, but oh, it could be so much more with it.
Thoughts and Comments always welcome.
You’ve reminded me of a discussion I had with a girlfriend many years ago. The subject was the difference between a quickie and making love, and nothing I said could convince her that there would be any satisfaction in the former. What I neglected to take into account was that she hadn’t yet found “the one.” She did find him, and it was a lovely romantic courtship. After they’d been married a while, we re-visited that discussion. She had a decidedly wicked smirk on her face when she told me she had changed her mind about the quickie. So, though I’ve no doubt sex can be good in a hook-up with no expectations, in my opinion, it’s much more satisfying when emotion and connection are involved.
Well put, Jo-Anne. Quickies only allow you to scratch the surface of a relationship. We are all so much more.❤️
Interesting. So glad I’m not dating these days – neither are my daughters. They sorta met their significant others the old fashioned way – got fixed up.
Yes, I found it interesting, too, and kind of sad. Not easy finding your soul mate these days.
Dating has certainly changed as have living arrangements. I have a 51 year old daughter that is divorced and dating has been difficult for her. For now she is learning to be quite independent in her own home and with a job that she loves. But I know she would like a little romance in her life and possibly sex. A very thoughtful post for those of us who remember dating rules in the 1950s and into early 1960s. I am grateful that my second marriage has worked out well for almost 40 years!
Yes Jo, dating certainly has changed dramatically. Our daughter, who was divorced, found her next husband online. I’ve read that it’s actually a better way to find someone, as you get a chance to feel each other out first and find out whether there are enough shared interests to begin with. And yes, congratulations on your second marriage. Well done, because as you know, relationships are not simple and communication is complex.